Noise Talk

  The Associated Press is reporting that Harley-Davidson will reduce its workforce by 8 percent and cut motorcycle shipments by the thousands.  Domestic sales fell nearly 13 percent in the first quarter of 2008. 

   The Milwaukee-based manufacturer will cut this year’s shipments by between 23,000 and 27,000 units: “That means the company expects to ship between 303,5000 and 307,500 units for the full year, at least 7 percent below last year.”

   To this I say: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!  The fewer motorcycles, the better.

   Motorcycle goons are everywhere.  Most of them come with standard equipment: a leather jacket, sunglasses, a bandana, gray hair, a beer belly, faded blue jeans, metal chains, a leather jacket, an American flag, and a thunderous exhaust system. (All to express their “individuality,” of course.)

   I don’t really care about the leather and the metal (though it does look ridiculous).  I do care about the loud exhausts.

   Motorcycle goons would have you believe that motorcycles are naturally noisy, and that “loud pipes save lives.”  Both assertions are laughable.

   Motorcycles are not naturally noisy.  Not all motorcycles are noisy.  The obnoxious thunder from motorcycles result from the deliberate action of testosterone-driven males who did not get sufficient attention from their mothers. Motorcycle goons either remove the muffler or install a “custom muffler” designed to make the maximum amount of noise.  There is no reason why motorcycles should be noisy.

   And as for loud pipes saving lives:

   First, there is not a shred of evidence to support this preposterous claim.

   Second, the obnoxious noise is extremely distracting to motorists.  Loud pipes probably cause more accidents than they supposedly prevent.

   Third, most motorcycle accidents are head-on collisions.  Obviously, motorists ahead of motorcyclists cannot hear the thunderous roar.

   Fourth, if motorcyclists were truly concerned about safety, they would wear helmets, drive defensively, stay within the speed limit, not dart between cars, wear orange protective jackets, and install orange flagpoles on their bikes. 

   Obviously, this does not happen.  Motorcycle goons just want to make noise–all in a vain attempt to prove their virility.

   Fortunately, several American cities are starting to crack down on these Hell’s Angels.  In Anaheim, police have began an aggressive enforcement campaign. In Denver, motorcycles are limited to 82 decibels, and must carry an EPA compliance sticker, proving that the bike’s exhaust has not been tampered with.

   It’s about time.